SPARTACUS: BLOOD & SAND 1.1 - "The Red Serpent"

WRITER: Steven S. DeKnight
DIRECTOR: Rick Jacobson
CAST: Andy Whitfield, John Hannah, Manu Bennett, Erin Cummings, Lucy Lawless, Viva Bianca, Craig Parker, Kyle Rowling, Antonio Te Maioho, John Rawls, Kevin J. Wilson, Craig Walsh Wrightson & Aron Eastwood

[SPOILERS] An ugly fusion of 300 and Gladiator, with a tin-ear for dialogue and a caveman's intention to distract you from its deficiencies with anime-style ultraviolence and full-frontal nudity, Spartacus: Blood & Sand is a grisly video-game you can't control, with John Hannah (The Mummy) and Lucy Lawless (Xena: Warrior Princess) the only recognizable faces in a cast of Adonis's and middle-aged British thesps chasing dollar signs.

The story involved an unnamed Thracian warrior (Andy Whitfield) whose village agreed to join legatus Claudius Glaber (Craig Parker) in a Roman-led offensive against invading Getae hordes. However, when Glaber's nubile wife Ilithyia (Viva Bianca) persuaded her husband to seek greater glory by fighting the Mithradates instead, the betrayed Thracians mutinied and their village was destroyed, leading to the captured Thracian being sent into gladiatorial combat for insubordination, as his sultry wife Sura (Erin Cummings) was sold into slavery. Needless to say, the Thracian proved himself surprisingly adept at butchery in the arena and, upon hearing the crowd's cheers for the unlikely victor, Senator Albinius had the newly-anointed Spartacus' punishment reduced to servitude.

Spartacus is a series that wants to be the TV equivalent of Zack Snyder's greenscreen-enhanced 300, chasing the same target audience who'd rather watch bloodletting and slashed throats than engage with an unpredictable story and rounded characters. There wasn't a single moment in "The Red Serpent" you couldn't predict, as the story merrily raced through a checklist of genre clichés (particularly sex scenes filmed by a concussed, Enya-loving cameraman) and shoving bad dialogue into the gobs of its cast (before leaving for battle, Spartacus tells his wife to "lift your dress, keep me close to your thighs, the thought will warm us both".)

There's little to discuss in terms of plot or character, rather recount your reactions to the smut and violence on display -- all of which elicited an initial eyebrow-raise, but quickly become tedious and ridiculous. The blood looks like it's either been scratched on using a red biro, or literally engulfs the screen like a volcanic plasma blast. It's designed to be arresting and stylish, but only succeeds in assuring you everything's phony and exaggerated tosh. I'm all for a TV series depicting the Roman Empire in a less sanitized way (with sex, nudity, and unflinching violence), but didn't HBO's superior Rome get there first?

Overall, with a creative team comprised of writers/producers from '90s hits Hercules: The Legendary Journeys and Xena: Warrior Princess, with a creator in Steven S. DeKnight who worked on Buffy The Vampire Slayer, it's alarming to consider they probably view this as a "mature" piece simply because they can show bodies being hacked apart, decapitations, soft porn, and a hirsute vagina. But there's little in the way of charm, humour, ingenuity or surprise in Steven S. DeKnight's script, ensuring the only people who will be satisfied are those who have Deadliest Warrior on series-link.

25 MAY 2010: BRAVO, 10PM