Celebrity Big Brother 2010: Week One

It's the final series of Celebrity Big Brother -- are you watching? I am. It's the perfect show to vent your spleen to on Twitter in the ad breaks, if nothing else. I've always had a soft spot for Big Brother since it started, really. I just find it's good fun if you don't take it too seriously, or obsess too much about what's going on. The winter celebrity version has had its golden moments (politician George Galloway wearing a red leotard, pretending to be a cat by lapping milk from Rula Lenska's open palms, say), but I prefer the main summer show. CBB's a pretty good fix, though, and it helps that it's so short, so we get tasks and twists at a quicker rate. This year's celebs are an odd bunch, as usual...

Stephanie Beacham. The posh ex-Dynasty actress, given to walking around indoors wearing sunglasses and having baths in her nightdress. She's actually the most likeable celeb in the house, fitting in as the "mother hen" and unlikely to ruffle anyone's feathers. A dull matriarch, certainly, but I'm already betting she'll be around until the final.

Stephen Baldwin. CBB's most contentious housemate, for sure. Stephen's one of the lesser-talented Baldwin brothers (i.e, his name's not Alec), and an ex-alcoholic who became a born again Christian to beat the bottle. This means he's allowed to read The Bible for an hour each day, which he insists on doing aloud to his "congregation" of fellow housemates, who are all too polite to tell him to shut up. It bugged me that nobody was willing, or clever enough, to pick holes in Stephen's creationist belief, too -- where he made the ignorant statement that evolution can't be real because why are there still apes around. Answer: humans didn't evolve from chimpanzees, dummy -- we evolved from a different species of "ape"-like creature that now doesn't exist because they're us. The apes we see today are just related to our species.

Vinnie Jones. The most surprising addition to the house this year is undoubtedly "bad boy" footballer-turned-actor Vinnie. As someone with a thriving showbiz career in Hollywood (he's made over 50 films, he claims), it's difficult to see why he's willing to put himself through the BB experience. Maybe he knows he's unlikely to really embarrass himself -- he'll just be himself for a few weeks, then bank the cash. The weird thing is how Vinnie comes across as one of the more intelligent people in the house, which doesn't say much for everyone else.

Sisqó. The Rn'B singer who had a hit with "The Thong Song" about 10 years ago. The most memorable thing he's done so far was reprise said song for a performance before he entered the house (a contractual stipulation?) He seems like a nice enough guy, really -- entertaining the girls by singing in the bedroom -- but he's also very naïve and unexciting.

Heidi Fleiss. The most interesting celebrity, in many ways. She's the ex-Hollywood "Madam" whose prostitution business collapsed, who now resembles a melted wax effigy of Steven Tyler after spending three years in jail, but you have to admire Heidi's morals in refusing to reveal which celebs were on her client list. The bad news is, while Heidi definitely has the most fascinating celebrity life, little of that's coming through on the show. She's shared a few sanitized prison stories, fair enough, but she's mainly just lounged around in bed and bitched about "dork" Stephen behind his back. I'm not sure if she has it in her to become a more extrovert force, but maybe she'll come out of her shell next week.

Dane Bowers. He's one of those unfairly maligned celebs of British culture, who amassed a public image based on distortion. To me, he comes across as well-adjusted and likeable. He's not likely to rock the boat, which is a shame, as he definitely has opinions on Jonas and Stephen that most people at home share.

Jonas. Or "Basshunter", as he's known to dance music fans. A Scandinavian musician and BB aficionado, he's clearly in there because he couldn't refuse the chance to participate in his favourite show. He's actually become one of the main "characters" in the house, because of his "showmance" with Katia, and cowardly refusal to do a secret challenge (put sand in someone's bed to earn Stephanie some luxury bedclothes.) The latter failure resulted in him being punished alongside Sov, both spending hours in a freezing cold task room with his own thumping music on a loop. I think Jonas is quite a spineless, childish man-boy, basically. Topics of discussion he's started involve farting and his chronic masturbation habits as a teenager. Katia seems to appeal to him because she's not embarrassed to break wind in public. It's a match made in heaven.

Nicola T. The obligatory Page 3 model, whom I've never heard of her. I may have seen her boobs in The Sun at some point, I guess. She doesn't look that attractive to me, either. She's quite plain. And, despite the fact she has the "sweet bimbo, young mum" factor preventing you from hating her outright, she's ultimately just very stupid and boring. As Lucy Pinder learned last year, she's facing a swift exit unless she becomes more interesting or, yes, wins Sun reader votes by going topless.

Lady Sovereign. Another singer whose career peaked in the early-'00s, and even then most people didn't notice. Sov's the "chav" of the group, but quite pleasant, and I like how she's one of the few people who vocally rubbish Stephen's preaching. Will she ever do it to his face, though?

Alex Reid. In some ways it's interesting having him in the house, because up until now he's just been a name in the tabloids for me -- the cross-dressing, cage-fighter rebound boyfriend of Katie Price (a.k.a Jordan). He's not quite what I expected, in that he comes across as an undisruptive himbo with a man-crush on Vinnie. But, there's definitely a fame-hungry streak to him, currently being fed by Stephen's insistence he could be "the next James Bond" if he put his mind to it. Alex is definitely in CBB7 for mass exposure and a chance to become famous in his own right, if everything falls apart with Katie in the outside world - which, let's be honest, it's going to.

Katia. Who? Oh, she's the young Kazakhstani ex of wrinkly rocker Ronnie Wood, who lived with the Rolling Stone for a year and helped destroy his marriage, before they themselves split. A fame-hungry Eastern-European opportunist, really, with no sense of shame, manners, or disceranble intellect. It irritates me that she never mentions Ronnie Wood by name, too. Why? Everyone watching knows who she dated. Most of the house know. And if they don't, they can ask someone who does behind your back. Katia's been flirting with Jonas since the start, too, so I'm predicting she'll be around for awhile so viewers see how that plays out.

Ivana Trump. I find it truly bewildering that Ivana, a multi-millionaire businesswoman, has even agreed to go into the CBB house. I can only assume she hasn't ever seen the show, and has bought into the idea that the experience will provide her with a level of UK fame to exploit in 2010. She's already dropping hints that she plans to write a book about being in the house, which is destined to flop if she ever did. I can't see her being a particularly interesting or amusing housemate, so for now her presence is just very strange. I hope I'm proved wrong about her, but I'm predicting a foreign version of Stephanie Beacham with no common sense. She already had problems entering the Diary Room's sliding door.